Earth
When seeds awaken, gently from the warmth
of spring, I’m cradled in your growth, in arms
of verdant strength, from soil, from deep below
your breath’s a symphony, the dryad’s charm.
Air
When from the south as breeze, you come, bestow
my skin with bloom, perfume; when curtains blow
and billow, move with air, your hair’s the rose
with petals moving, undulating from your flow .
Water
When from your streams in cold caress, my toes
are curling, licked by tongues, is kissed, unclothed,
to fill my mouth with taste as tart as wine;
united surface moves as we are close.
Fire
When from the embers flames, our limbs entwined
arise in glow, your heat is weight that binds
our hearts; release us from the chains we wore
in fall, your flesh is nested next to mine.
Ether
When afterwards your breath and mine are sworn
to voids , from where our skin and stars are born,
inside the flare of aftermath your whisper’s warm
with promises of rain — tomorrow’s storms.
The Kiss by Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec
This is my first Rubáyiat now reworked with even more imagery per the instructions of Jilly at dVerse connected to the five elements, as well as weaving some improvements from the feedback I got in the first session. A poem like this is never finished.
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February 14, 2018
Björn Rudbergs writings 
Reading the two poems in a before & after, I can see how the subtle changes really have a huge impact on the feel of the words. This version sings!
I corrected a few errors, changed some of the rhymes, and made the references to senses clearer….. You are so right, senses has to be a part of this form.
Excellent choices, all.
Quite a tour de force! I get the rhythm in this, but I don’t get the rhyme pattern. Maybe it’s just my pronunciation.
I did want to make the rhymes slanted to make it “softer”… but maybe I went a bit too far in a few places.
I think it’s the first stanza where the rhymes don’t really come over to me. Everybody’s idea of ‘close rhyme’ is different. It all depends on how we hear the words.
Nice smooth changes; subtle and clever rhyming. We all labor to find a spot closer to perfection. I went with 10 syllable lines this time.
adding the senses made this very rich. my favourite is the air stanza, the perfume in the air and billow is skin tingling good
The rewrite is very good, Björn – fluid and cohesive.
This is a well executed revision of what was already and excellent poem. Bravo Bjorn, well done! Per your comment, I find the essence of a poem is never wholly finished. They always beg revision, or inspire spin offs – but for me that is the joy of writing poetry. Nice work here!
What an interesting poem of foreplay, desire, union, and ecstasy! Well done! Loved all of your details and descriptions.
How the elements are brought into love-making is rather astounding. I didn’t quite see it coming until the stanza about fire. The rhythm worked well.
Such an evocative poem that I would almost hate to tinker with, but the slight changes you made improved the flow, in my reading, especially here….”to voids , from where our skin and stars are born” vs. “with vacuum, from where space and stars are born”.
Every sense is tantalized through your images of the elements.
I loved this the first time but can see and feel the subtle differences. There is a very astute working of imagery that flows and does not feel forced. Agree poems can be forever fine tuned and Ibsuppose that’s why I don’t get round in time to posting! Have tried one ! https://navasolanature.wordpress.com/2019/02/27/promises-to-keep-rubaiyat-poetry-form-for-dverse-poets/