Behind the blue door

· by · in flashfiction, Friday Fictioneers. ·

With afternoon-warmth of cobblestones penetrating my soles I searched through the alleys of Mykonos.

“A blue door with a lemon tree inside”, She’d said, that night of past still vivid in my mind. The promises, the way we touched, her eyes and hair.

I knocked; a familiar rush of footsteps; echoes from the past.

She flushed, then grinned:
“Oh Bret”,

behind her, a muscular man, smiling:

“Hello, I’m Christos, come in, a friend of Kate’s is always mine”.

We spent the evening in togetherness: I’ve forgotten words, but I recall how much the moon reflected in her eyes resembled tears.

This is actually the very first story I ever wrote for Friday Fictioneers, I have taken the exact same narrative and transformed it from metered verse to fiction. Here is my original entry.

Friday Fictioneers is currently doing reruns, which I take an opportunity to rewrite some old stories. Rochelle manages to keep this going despite working on releasing her third book. I’m currently reading her second, and I hope you do the same.
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July 6, 2016

86 responses to “Behind the blue door”

  1. A threesome can be difficult, but it seems like they handled it well. Mike

  2. I take it there’s a long gap between when he first meets her and when he returns – or else she’s going from one man to the next each night (joke!). I really like the atmosphere in this, and especially the line ‘echoes from the past’. (Very minor points but I think you need a ‘the’ before ‘afternoon’ and ‘alleys’, and I’m not sure about ‘night of past’ – perhaps this is where the confusion with the time comes in.)

    • Thank you for the feedback, I struggled a lot with the timing of this when I rewrote this, and actually also the place, so yes some time had passed, and they also met in another place. I think I meant afternoon to be afternoon-warmth but the a ‘the’ before the alleys make sense to me…

  4. Dear Björn,

    A bit of an odd ending. I’m not sure how the threesome spent the evening in togetherness. I’m also not sure I want to know. 😉 We did start with FF about the same time, didn’t we? A lot of story in a hundred words and a worthy first entry. Addictive, isn’t it?

    I’m really pleased to know you’re reading From Silt and Ashes. Did you read Please Say Kaddish for Me? Of course I hope you like them and would be kind enough to leave reviews on Amazon.com.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  6. I LOVE this!!! The first half, anyway … the first three paragraphs. The blue door, the lemon tree … these set the piece up with an Enchanted, magical feel. (Have you seen that movie?)

    “Penetrating my soles/souls” is my favorite part.

    Also how “… is a friend of mine” has such a creepy vibe. Like this other man doesn’t love her but owns her … and you, in a way. Because him owning her is destroying you.

      • I thought “together” was either intended to be ironic or meant to convey that any connection/contact was better than none. I can’t tell which. But it doesn’t matter; you made the teary moonlight ending so beautiful that I don’t care.

  8. Very sad especially with the moonlight like tears in her eyes. It is clear she and Brett had a connection that time past and then he goes to meet her and the man/husband. I imagine an awkward time of conversation until goodbye could be said.

  9. Lovely story Björn. I followed the link to the original and think you did really well with the rewrite. The last line was beautiful.

  10. Ah, poor timing and lost hopes. I have sat at that same table having that same awkward conversation myself. Perhaps a little ouzo will dull his pain.

  11. I remember this one, it’s sad and slightly funny at one and the same time. There’s something bugging me about that last sentence “how much the moon reflected in her eyes resembled tears.” It sounds awkward, but I can’t yet think of a better way to say it. Good one.

  13. A deeply soulful and sorrowfully romantic story, Björn!
    I wonder what their togetherness was really about.
    Did your protagonist feel that the woman he loved and he were “together” despite the imposing presence of the muscular man, who seemed to own her?

      • I try to protest, with all my heart, mouth and deeds! It is going good so far and I always recommend it. It reminds me of the telenovelas I used to watch with my grandma. I could never understand why two people that love each other find excuses and obstacles not to be together and perservere together.

  20. Ouch! Disappointment came to call. Or vice versa. This was well-done, Bjorn. Makes me wonder what Kate was thinking inviting Bret to the house.

    Five out of five lemon trees.

  21. “I recall how much the moon reflected in her eyes resembled tears” – from my read tit is more than just the light resembling tears…

  23. Oh wow, your first Fictioneers! It’s wonderful, Bjorn. The first one is kind of special after all these years, right? I like that your character actually went inside because you could have made a different choice there. Great way to end it with love lost in the light of the moon.

  26. Happy Anniversary post. I don’t think I’ve missed many of yours over the past 3+ years. I read them both today to get a sense of how your writing has progressed (as I hope mine has) over time. FFF has been a great tool for fine tuning our prose and teaching our characters to communicate clearly and concisely within the 100 word format. I like to think of it as a little weekly workout and strengthens me for larger projects.

    I thought this rewrite flowed a little smoother than the original, yet still left plenty of room in the imagination for what “togetherness” meant.

    • I agree that writing improves in all of us… to me this is a great “school” and having branched out I seem to be one of the veterans.. and yes everybody’s write improves… I do like the chance to do a rewrite, to use the feedback to make it even better… this is such a great opportunity,

  27. Great stuff, Bjorn. I guess he showed up too late and she’d already moved on. Poor guy.

  28. I feel so much tension and regret in your story. I read the togetherness as – wine, olives, a little cheese and much conversation. And “she” possibly regretting her choice.

  30. A very poignant write brought out by the last line. I read the earlier piece as well. Have to say I liked this one better 🙂

  32. This is great. The feeling of the place, and the emotions come through loud and clear. I was not confused, to me it was clear that they were acting to not hurt the friendly husband. Maybe she loves them both, but that’s not accepted in our societies.

  36. Such a beautiful love story. The thrill of returning and the heartbreaking disappointment.

  39. Poor man. How difficult it must have been for him to sit and visit as though he was just an old friend. I love the image of the moon reflecting like tears in her eyes. Perhaps that was just wishful thinking on Bret’s part??

  42. It’s all been said, as I got here so late! Atmospheric, and brimming with regret. So many can relate to this kind of story; well done! In the 2nd to last paragraph, I think it needs to be: is a friend of mine, or is always one of mine, etc. It is a little confusing as is. Overall, a very strong piece.

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