Last bus leaving Jefferson


Emma’s bare feet pounded hard asphalt, she was too late. Running she passed deserted houses.

The power company had assured that radiation levels were within the approved levels. Still they insisted on immediate evacuation. It had to be serious this time.

Jefferson was doomed, still the sun was brighter than ever.

Heartbeats, wet with sweat, she stumbled, vision blurred.

She reached the bus-station, screaming.

“Wait for me!”

Fat Bob with family was ready to board the last bus out of Jefferson.
The bus swayed as Bob entered the bus. A sign reading “maximum capacity 3 tons”.

She would be left behind.


It is three years since Rochelle took over running Friday Fictioneers, and this almost coincides with my first entry. Friday Fictioneers is one of my favorite places, to exercise my writing. I try to keep it to exactly 100 words. This time I decided to rewrite my old story.



October 21, 2015

111 responses to “Last bus leaving Jefferson

  1. Dear Björn,

    I’ve gone back and read the comments on that post three years ago and you had just come into FF. I’m so happy you’re still aboard the bus, unlike poor Emma. Good story.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  2. I’d prefer to stay behind and enjoy the ghost town all to myself for a while before giving up and kicking the bucket. 😉 I would NOT want to get on the bus with all those tightly-packed, sweaty peeps. NO. WAY.

  3. First – the name Fat Bob cracked me up! You turned the guy into a lout, I turned him into a generous cowboy. It’s not what you look at it’s what you see. I really felt the desperation and despair in your story. The bare feet were touching.

  4. Poor Emma, although I feel a little bad for Fat Bob as well. Of course, this opens up a whole new episode where she’s left behind in the Chernobyl-esque Jefferson and has to fend off irradiated wolves or something. 🙂 In any case, I liked it.
    -David

  5. The reason Fat Bob beat her to the bus was he heard about the all-you-can-eat buffet over in Cybersville. Don’t get between the big guy and the food bar, you might get a fork jabbed in your side.

  6. Emma will have the last laugh if the bus breaks down just outside of the city. Then everyone will have to walk. That was poor planning. There should have been a train or two last buses just in case. Well done, Bjorn. 🙂 — Suzanne

  7. I like both versions, but I think this re-edit helps build the tension and sense of urgency in the story:
    Heartbeats, wet with sweat, she stumbled, vision blurred.

  8. “She would be left behind.” Nooooooo! I can see a skinny barely there barefoot girl, her dirt stained face now with tears tracks down her checks, staring at the bus with her hand outstretched as it drives away. Bravo!

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