I have never written Terza Rima before and thought I make an effort. I decided to make it as a sonnet and I have tried to keep a decent pentameter. This will be shared on dVerse open link night later today. As usual any comments are welcome as they improve my writing skills.
statue by Carl Milles
she sits alone with silent falling tears
see beauty in her alabaster skin
translucent, framed with golden silky hairs
a fairy sad, what is the dreadful sin
committed vice by perpetrators bad?
what ghastly beasts in shadows leer and grin?
has playmates, that's forlorn her, turned her sad?
while garden's smelling roses bring us joy
the symphonies of birds should make her glad
but this has never been about a boy
she cries for nature's death, a sad affair
'cause right outside the industries destroy
her forests, they are gone since many years
forsaken she's abandoned to her fears
—-
March 5, 2013
Björn Rudbergs writings 
Absolutely beautiful! Sad and yet full of truth… You managed to bring her to life and now I feel her pain!
Great stuff! 🙂
Thank you
🙂
I’ve not seen this kind of sonnet before. You’ve demonstrated it brilliantly. Thank you both for a lovely poem and introducing me to a new poetic form.
My pleasure… really nice to write. 🙂
nice — in the first stanza – see beauty of her alabaster skin, you might want to change either the “see” or the “in” to make it read better, ie
see beauty in her alabaster skin – or
dark beauty of her alabaster skin
in Cleveland where I grew up there is a cemetery full of sculptures that has an angel this reminds me of: http://www.forgottenoh.com/LakeView/haserot.html
Thank you for the propasal … I think I prefer the first one, my preposition are not necessarily the best. Carl Milles who made the sculptor is a very famous (at least in Sweden) and there is a wonderful museum in the houses he used to live in here in Stockholm.
You are so knowledgable about all these forms!
I don’t quite understand the line ‘has playmates ther forlorn to make her sad’, perhaps it’s me but . . .
A little bit awkward, basically has she been left alone… .. maybe victim of the form, I appreciate you feedback, I’ll think of something to make it clearer.
I did a little update, hope it’s a little clearer… Thank you for your kind comment
Oh goodness I didn’t expect you to change it! remember I’m a total novice. It does make sense to me now though 🙂
If it doesn’t make sense I need to clarify, and I can still make the iambs fall correctly 🙂
industrialism versus nature…. you spoke it precisely perfect… thank you..
Thanks for reading and commenting,
Better not be a statue, I think. Better not be a sculptured watch. And better be able to move. 🙂
I really like your iambs, which are lovely. I think I prefer iambs myself.
iambs soothes and help the poetry along. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Very nice! I like the rhyme scheme a lot and the sad, melancholy subject is well suited to this form. I’ve never written a terza rima either, but I think I might have to try it. In the interest of improvement, there does seem to be a typo in the first line of the third stanza. The first “her” seems like it should be a different word. Peace, Linda
Thank you, and that line there is indeed a typo.. Needs to be fixed. It’s the line I have had problem with all the time.
I was trying my hand at Terza Rima earlier today – without much success I must add. You’ve mamaged the rhyme scheme really well, Bjorn. Some of your lines are a little confusing – but that is almost certainly mostly the result of not writing in your first language.
A thank you. I will make more efforts 🙂
nice…i really like the message in this…her sadness at what is being done to her home…and for what…progress…show it to me…smiles…i like your use of the form…
if i was offereing crit…between the first and second line there is a change in persepective where you address the reader rather directly…i had to read it a few times at first to get going…
I see your point. I guess changing see… to something more neutral like the familiar sonnet Oh… 🙂
An excellent Terza Rima – atmospheric and with a quirky use of language that is enchanting.
quirkyness probably comes from second language challenge. I see I can work it through a few times and come out even better.
I learn something new each time I visit your blog. Terza Rima. Thanks. Well constructed.
Apparently Dante wrote in that rhymescheme… but I had played around with it before I knew it was called Terza Rima.
this makes my breath catch, well done!
Thank you 🙂
This is so well done, Bjorn. Painful in its message but beautifully rendered!
Word Play
Thank you…
…i just love to read alabaster skin… that said, for me, i would prefer to have this in 3 quatrains & a couplet rather than 4 tercets & a couplet… reading this in tercets left me quite short in appeal… nonetheless, i like the ryhming pattern & the choice of words you produced here… smiles…
Thank you for reading and commenting.. I wanted to put emphasis on the nested rhymes… 🙂 To work it into quatrains I would need to do a few changes to the structure of the poem. But I see your point. 🙂
A sad message beautifully conveyed.
Thank you 🙂
A beautiful form ~ And the message is meaningful ~
Thank you 🙂
I admit I don’t believe I’ve ever written a sonnet. I struggle with structured formats at times. I love the story you’ve woven here.
When I read your poetry there is a lot of structure there. Actually I am starting to like structured poetry but without rhymes even more. I will experiment in the future. Thank you for reading.
I guess I create my own structure of sorts. That sounds like me- I like structure but on my own terms 🙂
A beautiful and poignant tapestry..in a form unfamiliar to me. I salute you for this…I am not brave enough to try it. I love the photo of the sculpture as well 🙂
Ha, I’m not brave enough to write poetry without form 🙂
Thank you for reading and commenting.
There’s a very strong message in this, which is ignored the world over…
The deep, heart wrenching truths…beautifully written Bjorn.
from the very depths ……