Not even sunshine warms me quite like you
and evening rain can never raise my yearn
as softness of your raging lips that burns
with spice of peppermint in purple hues.
The ocean waves might sting but you’re my cue
to beg for mercy when your eyes are stern,
but when it’s freezing darling, you can turn
my world to summer, painting grey to blue.
I’ve built myself a prison you’re my key,
you can come and take me when you wish.
I know you’ll keep me, never set me free
cause I am waiting, waiting for the bliss
of you, my darkness, conqueror of seas.
I’m begging darling for your final fervent kiss.
Prisoner by Christian Rohlfs
A petrarchan sonnet for my own prompt at dVerse. Thankful for feedback to improve. I am also linking to the poetry pantry.
My sonnet prompt is the first one in our effort in making a combined form manual with poets posts. It is open for a four weeks when a new one will come, allowing time for editing and improvements.
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January 4, 2019
Björn Rudbergs writings 
This is amazing! The only feedback I have to offer is keep doing what your doing, its wonderful 😊👍
Oh my Bjorn, perhaps a dark penchant unveiled here – and very well expressed indeed!
BTW, I never offer critique. You know your intention in writing your poem. I feel it pretentious to suggest otherwise… 🙂
Superb! One question…must it be her “final” kiss?
How about fervent?
Yes, I like that better!
Chilling and seductive at the same time. Very strong.
Are you talking about death with the final kiss at the end?? It seems like that’s the volta? Not sure but I like it
I did change it a little in the end to make it less of shock…
YES. Just reread it a few more times. “when it’s freezing darling, you can turn my world to summer” and “waiting for the bliss of you”. magnificent obsession of the wait. you have captured it. leaving it open at the end fits better than final ❤
Peppermint in purple hues…love it!
the captor and the redeemer, a brilliant play of emotions
Ah, this poem leaves me with mixed feelings. I was first reading it as a poem of strong love, but the last line of the poem (and also your chosen graphic) seem a bit sinister to me and leave me thinking otherwise.
I was a bit hesitant about the word final… I will probably change that word into something else.
I think “final” implies the last kiss(es) she will ever give anyone. Maybe he’s asking to have all the rest of her kisses, including the very last one. I thought it sounded romantic, despite the image. I thought the image was supposed to be funny.
Nice line: “I’ve built myself a prison you’re my key”
Ah… it is perfectly lyric and lyrically perfect… I must have read it at least 10 times. Bravissimo 🙂
Since you’ve asked for feedback… I will come back in a day or so. I have some thoughts, but want to have a second read with some time in between.
Love as a prison! I love the ‘spice of peppermint in purple hues’ and ‘darkness, conqueror of seas’.
Wow, what a wonderful sonnet! I love the intensity.
Such a sonnet should have intensity of emotion as you have brought here – on bended knee! Absolutely love this line:
“The ocean waves might sting but you’re my cue”
P.S. I avoid this form as find it too difficult but am glad that forms will be featured more in dVerse with a longer time to enter submissions.
Oh this is incredibly chilling! I love “softness of your raging lips that burns with spice of peppermint in purple hues.” ❤
Intense and lyrical and i MUCH prefer “fervent”! I will try to pen a sonnet for you, Bjorn. Nice to begin the year of poetry after our restful break.
Oh to be imprisoned like that!
Mmmmmm… this makes me feel things. There’s so much intensity here, the words come on waves of swoons. I think I do prefer fervent to final (though final does give it an interesting twist that changes much of the feel), but then again, I’m a bit of a romantic.
Love this. Very hot with a sharp edge. I love the peppermint description of the kiss.
The rhythm, the rhyme scheme, the preoccupation with love–the sonnet is beautifully done. I think I had feelings like this when I was young. Not even knowing myself very well, I put power in the hands of others. Now I might give these feelings to a character in a novel at the beginning of their journey. But It is more like those tragic romances in opera–too much time on their hands, with enough emotion to rip one apart.
I smiled when I saw your humble request for ideas on improvement. I’m not a good critic, since I am mearly learning a little. Yet you are guided by a true devotion to improving what is already perfection within yourself. At least, that’s how I see it. I loved reading this poem.
Wow what a passionate prisoner and what a lucky key!!!
Thanks for dropping by my sumie Sunday Björn. Happy New Year
Much🎉love
I love it when your dark side appears–I can’t speak to the form, but the imagery is stunning!
The sonnet itself is a jail of form — so little wiggle room, yet someone one has to say enough … Shakespeare’s Dark Lady is the ghost here, temptress, goddess, jealous lover, divine sun. Somehow you have to say it all and get out of there intact. My sonnet is in the mid ocean doldrums of revision — a Sargassan Sea of weedy concepts — I can’t figure out whether tis nobler to turn back or march on in defeat. Anyway — great to have something that can take time to evolve. Great idea and challenge, Bjorn …
Love what you did with the ending here. It caused me to go back to reread and reread … and I’m still chasing down nuances!!! I love it when a poem does that. So – if that is any kind of a criteria on ‘feedback to improve’ – I wouldn’t change a thing.
Dark as most if your better poems are. I like the thoughts of a final kiss for a person imprisoned by love.
burns
with spice of peppermint in purple hues…. lovely!
this is beautiful, and dark.
why not ‘final kiss’? perhaps the narrator wants to end the pain once and for all.
Wow – resonates strongly with me about my current relationship! Thanks for sharing.
Each line is so beautifully carved! The opening lines reflect deep passion! You have painted rich imagery of intense love! Loved your sonnet 🙂
Beautiful love poem. Only true love can be the key to our dark prison.
a complex intercourse at play; the darkness that shifts hands, and is equal in both, for the light as well. You’re attempts to dip into the darker side, the feeling imprisoned, by one’s own person, and then held, perhaps less than, yet simultaneously, mercifully, in the hands of the other, plays out here with some very deep images, – colourful, bold, sharp and yet, subtle enough to continue the balancing act that reflects of the emotions. It really is a dynamic exchange here, and I’m always in struck wonder at how well you work the dynamics of the form, and try to get it blend into the words, without a seam that screams, hey, it’s obvious (i.e. form is great for the structure but it shouldn’t become center stage and upend the content/meaning) – so this is rather a very refreshing and satisfying poem. I rather like it for its unique voice and perspective, as well as the honest slant of light in its fullness for the recognition of both the yin/yang aspects.
I enjoyed this sonnet. I love the extended metaphor… and the title. The last line is my favorite.
The thin line between love and hate…(K)
A wonderful sonnet in form, meter, rhyme–with some wonderful imagery. The first stanza seemed like it could be a love song, but then it goes to darkness. I imagine someone obsessed, a kind of stalker–and I wondered with “final” if he killed her.