Good deeds

· by · in flashfiction, Friday Fictioneers. ·

Years have passed, but I still recall every single footstep leading to our old mill.

My father’s voice still echoes:

“We will never sell, never”, but what can a single shotgun do against a paid-for law-enforcement?

We buried him, mother and I, before I was eleven, she went into the river, and I was placed in orphanage.

I caress the fronds beside the stream.

“I want to be a lawyer”, I said. The headmistress was stern but fair.

As mother wrote, the hidden chest is easy to find. Ancient deeds are evidence enough for my lost youth to be avenged.

© Piya Singh

© Piya Singh

This is a story that has been brewing inside for quite some time waiting for the right picture. I hope it works with flashbacks and memories to a credible story.

Friday Fictioneers is a great group of bloggers who write stories to the same picture each week. Curated by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, it attracts the creme de la creme of internet short fiction writer. Read and be surprised about the creativity and skill of all the authors.


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June 2, 2016

79 responses to “Good deeds”

  1. Dear Björn,

    A lot of story between the lines. I’m glad the right picture found you. Although the lawyer line took me out. I wasn’t sure why the headmistress would want to be a lawyer. Did I miss something? Aside from that, intriguing and I hope he gets his revenge.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  5. An interesting delivery. In that last paragraph, I think it should be ‘as mother wrote’ not ‘like’. I’d find it difficult to explain why though. 🙂

  6. There is sadness in this, and much to ponder. Did he get his revenge in a way that leaves him whole again.

  7. Ah, a single shotgun might not be much against the local law enforcement, but a single lawyer with a mission? I think he might find justice, if not peace.

  8. Let’s hope justice will prevail in the end. An interesting tale of generations that could be a much longer piece – revenge, death, loss and perseverance. It’s all in there. Nice work

  9. Oh Bjorn, you found what I find quite often, that I have left just enough ambiguity to make my writing seem not so great. It’s funny how rearranging a word or two can deliver a totally different idea. Great work.

  11. The headmistress line felt forced in when it wasn’t really needed. Sense there is more to her involvement than that one sentence can justify. Other than that I enjoyed this piece. Oh, you have “every single footsteps” in the first line i.e. guessing should probably just footstep?

  13. I loved the opening words “Years had passed but I still recall…” This is so true of the events that shape our past in a way that haunts and even taunts us. And when we do recall a particular event, our minds open and all the consequences of it come tumbling out just as they do in your piece. So powerful and very effective.

  15. Like Rochelle said, there’s a lot of story between the lines here. If this is brewing, as you say, you may want to give it a little more room to breathe. I like the voice of the character, so I’d be willing to read some more for sure.

  16. Bjorn,
    you packed a lot of story into this so it took me some time to unpack it, but it was worth it. This reminds me of the lawyer version of the revenge story in The Princess Bride.

  18. A good story, although sad at the start. I was slightly confused by the headmistress part, but gathered that she helped the main character along the path to becoming a lawyer.
    I like this last line, which I had to read twice, because the word “deeds” can be interpreted in two ways, “Ancient deeds are evidence enough for my lost youth to be revenged.”
    I would suggest, however, that to be grammatically precise, you might change revenged to “avenged.”

  22. Your usual terrific piece of writing, Bjorn, though I have to agree with some of the comments above that it is perhaps in need of a little editing for minor typos.
    But your voice stays strong.

      • Laughing, mon brave, you have tidied up well.
        But, honestly, I would remove the ‘a’ before ‘paid-for law-enforcement’ and insert ‘an’ before ‘orphanage’.
        Your writing is so good that it deserves to be perfect.

  24. This is lovely – such a big story in a few lines. I’m not sure about the headmistress line – is it necessary? (And a very minor point – I think footsteps should be singular.)

  26. I think you’ve started a foundation for a great story. The earlier events of the protagonists life sets up great motivation for the actions of the story later on and I could see this going a number of different ways… all of them terribly exciting.

    When the story is finished brewing, I hope you’ll pour us all a large cup. 🙂

  27. I’m reminded of some old western where the small rancher gets crushed by the big, greedy landowner with the hired guns. Let’s hope he finds what he’s looking for.

  29. Yeah, this story has buckets of content and offers loads for expansion. Nicely told

  30. Interesting, indeed. Makes one wonder if there was more treasure beyond the deeds, or what exact treasure the deeds protected… oil, gold, silver, what minerals lay hidden within the land, beneath the river…and the river, could it be a door somewhere?

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