“Now” — trembling finger pushing — send. “30 seconds to havoc and destruction”
Fertilizers, chemicals, pre-paid calling cards. Youtube testimonial pre-recorded, purpose all explained. Mission done.
The curly head of a girl, lollipop-smiling getting way too close.
“Infidels and traitors”
Whispering; doubt came crawling.
“It’s not right”
Tick-tock-tick-tock – counting seconds, it should have happened now.
A minute passed, he thanked his God. Prepared to leave.
Suddenly in blasts of shock-grenades; unconsciousness.
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Later. Light burning. Much sharper than the sun.
Voices very close.
“Kiddo’ – you didn’t charge the batteries”
He just smiled and thanked his God for carelessness.
Copyright Ted Strutz
The first thing that struck me with the image was a timing device, and hence the theme. I also wanted to experiment with fragmented prose, Sometimes I think that works well with narratives like this, but you can be the judge of that. On a sidenote, I have gotten myself involved in a collective writing project that will result in a book. Any good tips are welcome.
Friday Fictioneers is run by Rochelle Wissoff-Fields and you can go to her blog to get involved. The rules are simple. 100 words (more or less, I always try to be strict) to the same picture. Then read and reflect. Best learning process you will ever have.
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January 28, 2015
Björn Rudbergs writings 
But he misses out on his allocation of virgins. Lose, lose. Actually a rather chilling story.
I liked his regret.. the human in them.
I like how you described this – fragmented prose. It truly does read in staccato bursts.
I think as author we need to be more daring.. Breaking rules is an important way to invent.
Whilst I think the fragmented prose is very effective, and particularly for this theme, I must admit I’m not sure what’s going on here. I know he’s a terrorist and all that, but what’s the ‘curly headed girl’ reference? And if the batteries weren’t charged, why was there an explosion? I’ll pop back later to see if others have cast any light on it. But you’re right, authors do need to be more daring, and this is daring. Well done.
I will see how I can clear up the narrative.. The curly head girl is approaching the bomb, and the terrorist start to regret his deed. But then the bomb don’t explode and he is caught. He had forgot the batteries in his timing device.. Thank you for your feedback.
I’m with Helena, I really enjoy the short. sharp. writing on offer here. Nice job!
Thank you..I think that I will try different way of stretching my writing… It’s all about exploration.
I cannot fathom the mindset that would be required to be a suicide bomber…I wonder how many of them face regrets too late…
The successrate is too high for us to ever know.
The fragmented prose works very well with this! I can imagine that this is how a person in that situation would think. Well done!
It’s scary if we can actually understand them.. but I think we need.
Like the ambition in this piece. Good to experiment, push boundaries. Almost felt like a ‘rap’ to me. Being honest, not my normal type of thing to read, but no poorer for that.
I think stretching ourselves is what we should strive for…
Stupid terrorists… and yes, blew the chance for the virgins. Nice tale!
But he came out reformed and no virgins, but no victims either.
Glad he did a turn around. I wonder how many terrorists have regrets in the end. If they’re still alive, that is. Well done in staccato beats, I think.
I think many would find doubts along the ways.. they have to.
Chaos of the world we live so well captured. When monsters we helped create turn on us, I wonder who is to blame?
I think that branding them monsters. we become a little bit monsters ourselves… but that’s just my feeling.
I love the rhythmic beat of your prose – perfect for this scenario, but I did need your explanation to Sandra to “get” what happened. Perhaps if the “Curly head” line came after “Doubt came crawling…” Nice brain-stretch. Kudos for coloring outside the lines.
Yes.. I think that a little bit rearrangement of sentences might make it clearer. on the other hand the sequence inside the head of the terrorist has to follow the sequence of first seeing the girl… but i do see the point.
i hope he learned his lesson.
I think he has many years to think about it…
It was tense for awhile then relief! I enjoyed reading the story.
Yes.. getting under the skin of such a personality is not pleasant..
That’s what makes you such a good writer. I’m not good at doing that.
Dear Bjorn, I have no prayer for the terrorists. We live in such a sad time. Wish they would have a leader that would point out the true meaning of their religion. They have so much hatred inside. Too bad – what a perfectly wasted religion! Nan 🙂
Alas.. they have ceased to listen to leaders, there are many of all kind pointing them right, but they find their own leaders, or do it themselves, like Breivik
sometimes it takes more courage not to act than it does to act. or, a lack of batteries.
Batteries helps you in the decision process
Would like if batteries and other gadgets are not in the hands of terrorists.
Our World can do without blasts…
Nicely expressed!
That would be cool if access to batteries was blocked.
Bjorn,
You did a good job with this jagged, fragmented style, quite different from your usual. You portrayed his conflict of emotions well.
-David
Somehow, I imagine many of them being very confused..
read it twice, stretched but not too far, i could see the point after second read,
Ah.. yes fragmented prose is more challenging…
I like how his doubt crept in. Usually it’s a bit too late for second thoughts at that point, but not for him this time! Great story.
I hope doubt come creeping in… hopefully before they press the button.. we cannot always rely on batteries that don’t operate.
Given the subject matter of your tale, this does have its comic aspects.I like this tragi-comic mixture as each makes the other more vivid, as do complementary colours placed next to each other. It’s in your vocabulary: ‘lollipop’ placed next to ‘infidels and traitors’. You even state that ‘lollipop’ is getting ‘way too close’, which it is – both in black type on the page – and in the story. There’s a lot to be mined (if you’ll pardon the pun) from your story. Clearly, your batteries were fully charged when you penned this. 🙂
Yes .. there is something comic about a failed suicide bomber I think… and I did enjoyed writing it.
I thought the fragmented prose worked really well. Its not something I’ve done much of, but you’ve inspired me to try. Great story 🙂
I look forward to read your offering, I know it will be excellent from your pen. 🙂
A strange experiment but it worked!
Thank you.. I try my best.
Perhaps seeing the little girl brought him to his senses and, luckily, not too late. I like how one of his capturers calls him ‘kiddo’.
The style works with the moment quite well. It’s exciting to step away and experiment with different styles. That’s what keeps being creative from becoming boring to us.
Ellespeth
I think coming to his senses, and being saved by forgetting the batteries was luck.. but it was good for the potential victims.
Fascinating story with very effective use of the short phrases. I hope they’re all this inept from now on!
I think many of them might hope to fail deep within as well..
Dear Björn,
I like the style of this and felt the tension but like Sandra I was and still am a bit lost. I’m grateful for your explanations and apologize for my denseness.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Maybe I tried to tell too much in 100 words .. but on the other hand I tried to follow a strict sequence of events.. I think the terrorist was confused as well.
Dear Bjorn,
I like your terrorist with a conscience. The explosion was the cops stun grenades as he is caught, right? I enjoyed this and wish you luck with your collective writing project. Keep us posted.
Aloha,
Doug
Oh yes … the police came with stun-grenades.. it would have been too late if it had been a competent terrorist..
I’ll admit this took me a few reads to get, and I appreciated your clarification (it confirmed pretty much what I thought)… But I do think it was worth the re-read, as the ‘second-thoughts’ of the terrorist were very human, and showing the existence of doubt is not a common approach to this type of character.
Very interesting.
KT
Somehow, I think as author we have an obligation to sometimes try to understand also the people we shun.. they are humans after all.
I think this works really well. ‘The curly head of a girl, lollipop-smiling getting way too close.’ and the terrorist’s worry for her makes him human. Even so, I found it odd that he smiled at being caught and careless. He really wasn’t cut out for the role.
I hope there are more that have second thoughts.. definitely needed.
The fragmented prose works really well. It definitely requires a second (or third) read to fully understand, but I kind of like that! The story is very chilling – I’m glad he didn’t succeed!
I will try something else next week to confuse you all 🙂
A terrorist with second thoughts. In many ways, it would be easier to die than to have to live with such a destructive act, which is why they are all cowards. Great take, Bjorn. I enjoyed this fragmented approach to the event described. It works well. Kudos on taking chances, too!
I think he was happy that he could live with having failed… and maybe deliver some insight into the twisted thinking of those minds.
I think the broken narrative is still a little rough in this, but that you are on the right track. It helps to convey his twisted state of mind. I think the curly haired girl threw me.
I think the curly haired girl – though needed might need a little polishing
Good story, Bjorn, with great tension and a happy surprise twist at the end. Well done. — Suzanne
I’m glad that you thought it happy.. and yes I think so too..
Your style is good here for capturing the fragmented thoughts of the bomber as his possibly last moment alive approaches. I like that you show his humanness, too. Well told.
Since I cannot understand anything else I prefer to portray even a bomber like this with human feelings, if not I would make my soul hurt.
Your experiment is successful.
Thank you 🙂
Liked the way the story goes.! 🙂
Thank you 🙂
The fragmented style is effective in making me nervous! Yikes! I want to run away.
Lily
I think you should.. not all bombers are so careless.
Well done Bjorn a difficult style to pull off, but you managed to do so. I had to read through a couple of times but my first take was right.
Thank you.. yes then I understand it worked.. if the first impression was right.
I really like this fragmented prose idea Bjorn. It isn’t something I’ve tried myself yet, but you’ve certainly made a good job of it. I had to read it a few times to really get how events played out, and now all I can say is that I’m very impressed! It was good to see a terrorist having doubts about his actions, too. The last line is great.
Thank you Millie… I will try this more times .. but the picture has to fit.
Very true. Well, you did brilliantly with this one.