This picture from Jan Morrill is the prompt for my first entry in Friday Fictioners. Stories can be poetry too, so I decided to write it in iambic hexameter. Hope you like it, and I hope I’m not violating any “rules”.
The alley looked like all the others I had searched,
Should be a blue door with a lemon tree inside,
and as was told, there was the fabled door again.
–
I knocked and knocked again, and she came out to meet.
Her smile a little hesitant today, but then she grinned.
“Oh, please come in, and make yourself at home” she said
I passively obeyed, but missed her welcome kiss
–
And suddenly a smiling man appeared to greet.
“I’m John” he said, “and friends of Kate’s are also mine”
I spent the evening with her family and friends
In early morning after left, and never called again
—
October 12, 2012
Björn Rudbergs writings 
I enjoyed how easily this read, and the subtle story between the lines. Excellent! Glad to have you joining us!
Thank you. I had fun writing it. The purpose of making it iambic was to build some tension into the text… I am glad it read easily.
Welcome. How nice to have you here and what a wonderful start! And what a let-down for your narrator. I look forward to reading more from you with the Fictioneers and plan to come back and browse.
We will have to see. I write in so many other places. I will continue to write poetry and poetic prose on this site though.
Hi Bjorn,
When you meet the boyfriend, your chances are done, over, zip. Interesing and different reaction to the photo. Ron
Gone and left.
Hi Bjorn: Welcome to FFictioneers. Clever and interesting story. Sorry the party wasn’t what he expected but there will be others, I’m sure. Nice work.
Thanks for the welcome. I have got to know about this through some other contacts here and on twitter.
Beautifully understated; a casual invitation which perhaps would have been better left hanging. Welcome.
The understatement lies in his obvious humiliation and the sadness. My intention was to build some tension into the text by writing in prose-poetry (or whatever you might call it)
Oops. I can almost hear his crest falling. Welcome Björn.
Boom 🙂
Hi, Bjorn! Lovely to see you in the Friday Fictionneers! Sad story, beautifully written. ( It’s always a bummer when the surprise spouse makes an appearance….)
Surprises of that kind are the worst I guess..
“Should be a blue door with a lemon tree inside….” Makes one want to enter through the blue door–sorry disappointment waited inside. Good story–look forward to more.
Ah, but handling the disappointments and humiliations is what makes you stronger… (unfortunately)
Beautiful smooth, flowing poetry here. What a sad, stark letdown he had. At least she was cordial, and her new guy, too. But, doesn’t help the healing process in the finished relationship. Very nicely done. Thank you for stopping by mine and comments. So nice to have you join Friday Fictioneers. Will look forward to more of your poems and stories.
Thank you. Hope to write more 🙂
if it weren’t for the title, i wouldn’t have been sure what was happening, but now it all falls into place. that was well done. but i have a question about this sentence: “Should be a blue door with a lemon tree inside,” this makes it seem like he’s going there the first time, but everything else suggested he had been there before, so that threw me off.
Good question, but my thought was that some time had gone by… Or alternatively that they had their affair elsewhere. It’s up to the reader to fill in the gaps.
i don’t see it as up to the reader in all cases. it may have been a memory of the first time, which could be nice. the anticipation and newness of that first time.
nicely done… I felt his let down…to know you were supplanted by another…I agree there was no looking back.
So true, sometimes it’s just final.
I got the sense a great deal of time had passed since the initial spark, one he’d apparently nursed but she let go out. I like that he accepted the end and left the past in the past.
That was how I thought it, but something else can also be true.
great poem. the iamic reads very nicely and moves the reader along with the story.line. Any reason why the first verse is 3 lines with the others being four?
goodbyes like this are exciting, dangerous, and crazy. Great stuff for prose or poetry. Randy
I actually cut it down to fit the 100 words. But its also a natural division of the story.
Smooth writing…He handled it well. Nice job.
Thank you, I think he had a lot of sorrow built up inside
Interesting take (my knowledge of iambic is lax). I think I liked the lemon tree best. It really stood out against the blue door (so to speak). 🙂
Thanks 🙂 iambic writing is interesting. It mimics natural talk and storytelling, but still remain poetic. I liked the blue door as well. Thanks for comment
Hey, am sorry for getting here late. And thanks for your comments at my end.
Your story is sweet and beautifully delivered. I get the part of them having had some flings elsewhere but too bad with the double crossing…Well done!
Thank you 🙂
That blue door does hold a lot of promise – too bad he didn’t find what he was looking for though.
I think he found what he feared… but I think he can go on
Very well written. Glad to have you aboard and I’m looking forward to reading more from you.
I look forward to write more 🙂
WOW..your first, welcome aboard, Brudberg!! I truly like how understated the affair was..great job!!! Mine is here
Have you a ROCKING AND BLESSED WEEK!!!
hugs
shakira
Thanks for the comments 🙂 Understating a story of passion is something I like very much when I read myself.
A great foray into form and phonics. Welcome aboard.
Aloha,
Doug
Thank you, hope to add more action and drama next time, but I love to experiment with form.
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Reblogged this on chithankalai.
Just read both version and both tell incredible, yet sad, tales. I guess dreams don’t always come true.