You owe me everything

You cannot see me.
I’m absolutely still.
I’m the shadow in the shadow,
patient, waiting, cause you will be
the first to move.

You know I’m close.
I can see it
in the way the curtain moves.
You’re hiding there behind,
but I sense
your heartbeat racing.
As it did before.

Bitch.
You cannot leave me.
You owe me everything.
I’ll claim you back.

——

The police report that the frozen body of Lawson Hines was found outside the mansion of his estranged wife yesterday morning. It is believed that he had sinister intentions but succumbed to hypothermia in last night’s blizzard.

The picture today made me thinking of somebody stalking in the shadows below… and I wanted to write a story in two distinctive parts, one poetic and dark, and another dry and crisp. In between there is the real story for you to fill in.

Friday Fictioneers is a community of bloggers writing fiction in 100 words under strict surveillance of Rochelle who gives the challenge and set the bar high.


February 22, 2017

76 responses to “You owe me everything

  1. Really interesting using only his point of view. We don’t know if his enmity for the wife is deserved or not. All we see is his bitterness and the price he pays for it. Great story.

  2. This is so terrifying, Bjorn. You took the shadow voice and made it yours, which speaks volumes of your skills as a writer… Not too many people can write evil and madness in such an intimate way. I can see right into the mind of this horror of a man. He is ruthless, a waste of space and oxygen… and on the side of the spectrum you stand, scribbling his tale… dispassionately, while filling each word with his emotions. *shivers*

  3. This made me want to take a quick look around my kitchen to make sure there wasn’t a madman lying in wait. This pulled me in completely. Well done!

  4. You stole his POV and made it your own. I could feel his wait, his silent breaths as he waited for whatever was in his mind. It takes a lot of skills to write such personal horrific stuff. Well done Bjorn.

  5. Dear Björn,

    Oh snap! I’d say he had a head-on collision with Karma. I love the way you wrote this. The build of tension in the verse is tangible, then wham! I caught myself laughing with relief. Well done, sir.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  6. Björn, you’ve got mad skill when it comes to painting the dark side of human nature. I like the structure. It seems poetic and the WHAM! Yeah, you’ve got skill.

  7. You captured his possessiveness and evilness chilling well. I prefer that the snow was not evil, rather it was protecting her.

  8. Wow really scary for her to find that out. Thank goodness he froze and couldn’t hurt her. But I’m sure she’d still feel bad because that used to be her husband so in the beginning at least, there were probably good memories.

  9. That is so clever. It has a real psychopathic feel to it. The word “bitch”, written in bold, almost gave me a jump, like someone suddenly saying “boo!” from behind me. And then that twist at the end, with him dead rather than her. Excellent stuff.

      • I love the challenge of FF and the fact that we’re not tied to genre and, as you say, we can experiment with style. It’s also a real education, both from the point of view of looking at what other people do with each prompt, as well as their feedback on one’s own story. It’s good to know what works for our readers. If a hugely positive reaction coincides with something you’ve really enjoyed writing, then you are onto a winner.

  10. The tension and electricity is so palpable in this one, Björn. The “news” item at the end through me off, and I almost googled it… some very compelling story telling my friend!

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