Monica shuddered; night had been brisk and looking out she couldn’t quite determine if the window ice-bloom was on the outside or not.
Numbed, she realized that she craved for dear Jack back in her bed, if nothing else for warmth. After all it had been almost a year now.
She couldn’t quite forgive him yet, but she felt ready trying to take him back; she couldn’t spend another night like this.
Sighing she dressed in birthday mink and prepared for another trip down to the hardware store.
She definitely needed tighter shackles before releasing him from his basement abode.
Copyright – Rochelle Wisoff-Fields
This image was the fifth I wrote a story to for Friday Fictioneers, and looking back I really liked to keep the story I wrote first, but I wanted to make a few changes in language to make it tighter.
Friday Fictioneers is run by Rochelle and every week it attract some of the best fiction writer of the internet. Why don’t you try yourself.
—
June 29, 2016
Björn Rudbergs writings 
Great final twist
I love twists….
🙂
😀
Oh boy, you’re mind is a twisty dark lair! Love the phrase ice-bloom – gorgeous. I think I’ll have to take a ball of string with me next time I wander into your brain, for fear I’ll get lost and never find my way out 🙂
Great stuff
Ha.. sometimes I feel a little twisted… but this was a narrative I reworked.
It’s a good one, Bjorn. Very twisty in a great way 🙂
Damn, B… that’s a good one!
Thank you Ted, I think you read the first version as well..
Oh that last line made me laugh! Very unexpected.
Writing something that make people laugh is fun… 🙂
A woman more cold and twisted than the elements. Nicely worked twist, worked really well.
Maybe Jack was really really bad though.
True ☺
I agree!
Poor Jack. Good thing for him the weather is changing.
I love warped twisted endings and this is fantastic.
I love to change the viewpoint of someone… from sympathy to something less maybe.
A wickedly twisted ending. Loved it!
Has a feel of an earlier piece. Your writing (style and subject matter) has most certainly evolved. That said it’s the kind of story I like so I’m happy enough 🙂
Liked this, smiled at the twist at the end.
🙂
Went to the hardware store today for very different reasons. If I haven’t found Buddhism I may have been the woman in your story! Made me laugh even though it’s dark as hell.
Love a Good laugh.
A very dark twist, gruesomely dark! I was not expecting it (I know you get this a lot, for most stories!), but I mention it because there was my inner voice at middle saying Oh, cmon, not again, damn forgiveness, what is it this time? Adultery, beatings, what?.
Oh dear, a very disturbed mind. She needs help ASAP.
Great twist at the end.
Great re-write there, Bjorn! No, I didn’t read the original, but I can tell this one is pretty tight. Keep it going! Your stories are really flying higher — and they were pretty good to start with.
Wow, I didn’t expect that, Mr.Pulp Fiction you!
I love this character and her intriguing basement!
Fantastic!
Oh I enjoyed the style of this. A killer last line, or at least a torturous one. 🙂
A year in the basement – it’s true what they say about a woman scorned! Nice one.
the last line was numbing
Oh my, really unexpected twist. Dark and delightful! 🙂
Very dark and very funny. I didn’t see it coming. The rewrite makes the story sharper, the twist comes as a surprise and isn’t announced. I love these comparisons.
Wonderful twist at the end, Bjorn. And I, too, love the concept of an “ice-bloom”.
That was a shocker, delivered like a body blow! I hope he’s not frozen to death down there.
I love twists too and, boy, do you know how to deliver them! Loved it.
Yeeks, shock ending! Nice one!
Oh my, surprise ending. I bet he’s ready to repent.
I wonder if It was Jack’ guilt that prompted him to buy that birthday mink!
Great twist ending. Loved the previous commenter’s thought that she must bring a ball of string when entering the twisted depths of your mind, so she can find her way back!
She sounds really sinister. Rather him than me. 🙂
Is that what you all get up to on those long winter nights…
Here I thought he had run off! Great twist, Bjorn. Quite creepy too.
He must be losing weight, poor fellow.
(try “for warmth, if nothing else.”)
Talk about the old ball and chain!
Dear Björn,
That one was a winner. I picture her in her mink going to the hardware store. Very good.
Shalom,
Rochelle
This one made me laugh😀
Oh dear. What a twist! 😀
Fun story (in a scary kind of way). Reminds me of the movie “Misery” by Stephen King.
It’s a great twist. Nice one, interesting.
Terrific lead in and a great ending. Actually, your Monica sounds a lot like my Monica from last week’s picture – devious and murderous.
Wow, Bjorn, what a great ending twist. I didn’t expect that at all. Poor Jack. I don’t know what he did, but he’s suffered for it. It must be a lot colder where she keeps him. Well written. 🙂 — Suzanne
Poor man! So, was he unfaithful? She seems really vengeful and completely self-absorbed, wanting him for warmth in bed.
Great story with an almost-funny, dark twist at the end, Björn!