Sun kissed the dry grass a last time before condensation froze to silvery rime. A veiled woman drifted almost aimlessly to the edge of an industrial plot.
Cristina was beautiful and chic (in a shriveled way). She pressed her chest against the fence.
“Eric”
In the glass-facade she spotted her own reflection, and suddenly she heard a voice calling from the other side of a closed door.
“You came at last”. His voice had not changed.
“Eric?”
No answer, but Cristina checked her watch opening the door.
The train was just in time today.
“Eric”
… and she was light.
© Roger Bultot
I wonder why it’s so hard for me to move away from depressing stories. I hope I will be able to read more cheerful stories from others this week.
Friday Fictioneers is a group of dedicated bloggers who gather each week to write 100 words of fiction to the same image. Our dedicated chairman and contributor of excellent stories is Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, has all the information on how to join.
This week I will join the concrit subgroup, giving and receiving concrete feedback, and I might do an updated version based on that feedback.
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2015-12-02
Is it Cristina or Amanda? Are there two women? 🙂
Ouch.. .I changed it in two places… it’s Cristina…
LOL!
🙂
What’s that Smiley where you roll the eyes?
This is intriguing. I have been searching for short simple but pieces that quickly draw you in for a very long, long time. Thanks for sharing on Twitter.
Thank you.. I do remember your blog, but it seem to be gone..
Ah yes.. The bipolar relationship I have with my poetry and the public. It is currently up again, but for how long I can’t predict. Thanks for remembering XO
Hauntingly beautiful!
Thank you 🙂
Very ethereal. Don’t really follow what’s happening but I love the ambition and feel of the piece.
That is what’s interesting… I will not say anything. But clearly I have to make some changes to make it a little be clearer.
C – The scene keeps changing from a fence – which brings an image of wire mesh – to glass where she see’s her reflection to a building with closed doors and then a train. A bit confusing to follow but if this is intentional , it gives a different out of the world feel to the story.
I see your point, and that’s what I might rework a little.. i wanted be clear about the scene but ambiguous about the end.
C – My impression is that this is a widow, going to join her husband, but I must admit that it was not 10% clear to me that this was the right interpretation. I couldn’t tell how the glass fitted in if she was climbing a fence to an industrial bit of railway line. I liked the voice from behind a closed door, and the little hints like the veil and the unchanged voice.
I saw it as a glass window on the other side of the railway… and I definitely wanted to have that clear… you have definitely interpreted my intention.. The woman I stole from a poem I wrote about the other day, and she is a very real memory of mine.
Definitely has a poetic edge to it, one of (in my interpretation) lost love that can’t find its old, familiar connections. Like two live wires dancing around each other. I don’t mind the more existential and dream-like imagery since the entire story is based around it. It creates a tone and mood that is standoffish to the reader without being hostile- as if you’re looking in on something that’s sacred and only getting glimpses of it.
I love that the details are confusing. It makes the reader think. I’m picturing a woman rescuing a man who has been kidnapped and kept in the dark for a long time. I actually liked it when you had two different names for the woman because it made me picture her being under cover. Her real name was Cristina but he knew her as Amanda.
Ha. yes that was a great interpretation.. I would have loved her to be a heroic femme fatale… 🙂
It seems like she’s passing from one world to the next. Whatever it is, it’s beautiful!
That was my intention in the writing…
C- I, too, found this a bit hard to follow. Still, I saw a woman reunited with her husband “just in time.” A very open-ended feel to this. In a good way.
I understand that it’s hard to follow… I would probably work on being more consistent in the scene so it does not seem to shift..
I felt she was a widow going to join her husband…
A beautifully sad tale.
That was indeed my intention..
Perhaps this is too deep a story for me. I see a woman dying – ‘she was light’ – so I found it uplifting rather than depressing.
I think there is both sadness and uplifting aspects… but yes it can be seen in many ways.
She took the train to eternity…beautiful.
I think she did — yes
In few words you drew me in and made me want to know more of the story. Well done!
Thank you Jennifer.. 🙂 Sometimes I do not know the difference between poetry and prose.
I didn’t understand what was going on, but I enjoyed the read anyway and thought it was very well written. One thing I didn’t care for was the parenthesis. For reasons I can’t elucidate, I just feel that ‘asides’ like that have no place in very short fiction. In fact, I’m not sure about them in longer fiction either. It’s probably just me, but I need to think about that further. Nice work Bjorn.
Ha.. yes I was hesitant about the parenthesis… as they often say what’s inside can be removed, but if you like the words it’s hard to do.
Dear Björn,
C-Add me to the rank and file of the confused ones. However there was something haunting and ethereal about the piece overall that I did enjoy.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Ah.. it’s always the problem when you fall in love with the words more than the meaning. I have a few ideas for a rework… But I do love this feedback side.
“… and she was light.” So poetic, brought tears to my eyes.
Maybe it’s crystal clear when read by a poet 🙂
😉
These are great images, sad and otherworldly. C- At first I thought she was a ghost waiting for someone. Then I was a bit confused, but after two rereads I understood what you explained in the comments. I don’t know if you’ve already made changes, but I love it just the way it is. It’s open to so many interpretations that way. I love parenthesis–if there aren’t too many.
I think I know which was was confusing.. it was the fence and the glass.. I have not made any other changes than to change the names to be consistent.
This line – The train was just in time today. – pulled it together for me. It’s what made me feel that it was a woman lying in her death bed imagining herself going to find her dead husband.
Gosh … I hope that’s what you were writing about, Bjorn.
Anyway, I like the haunting feel and the many interpretations.
I agree with Sandra about the parenthesis. 😁
Isadora 😎
I am clearly writing about her death.. but I think I’m open to how she died.
This one has quite the ethereal quality to it. Nice.
Thank you ..
this story can be interpreted in many ways. i see them as both dead, their souls hoping to reunite.
That was my intention with the story…
I like the opheliac character, and that first line is an absolute stunner.
I know this going to sounds like, super picky, but I think the punctuation could be improved a little, especially around the speech. For example, you put a comma after, “You came at last”, but I think it would be better as either a full stop or ellipses within the quotation marks because the sentence afterwards is a complete sentence and not partial.
Nothing’s too small to correct.. and punctuation is something to be picky about. And you are right, a full stop make sense.
And she was light….I do not find that depressing at all.
Not for her, but maybe there are people left behind who find it sad…
I had the feeling this was a loop.
That could be..
I like the ambiguity in this, but I think you have to be careful about crossing the line from ambiguous to confusing – I’d repeat what other posters have said about the glass/fence thing.
What I’d also suggest is chopping out some of your filler text – you’ve got a lovely style, quite lonely and haunting, and things like “almost aimlessly” and “(in a shriveled way)” could detract from that a little bit. Some pruning would let your writing shine.
I like what you say about confusing vs ambiguous, and the fence and glass is too confusing…
When it comes to my “flowery” language, I think it might be a poet’s disease…:-)
I wondered if it was a suicide or (when she described her as shrivelled) if she was about to die and had visited a station where maybe her lover died, or she and her deceased lover had first met.
I liked your two opening lines:
Sun kissed the dry grass a last time before condensation froze to silvery rime. A veiled woman drifted almost aimlessly to the edge of an industrial plot.
This caught my attention. Nicely written.
Randy
I wrote it as a suicide (jumping in front of a train), but I realize that it could be interpreted as a metaphor as well.
Intriguing. I’m thinking she’s rejoining a loved one in the afterlife.
You are right I think… 🙂
C – Okay, I must admit. I read some of the feedback before giving mine. I definitely think it’s intiguing to write a piece that leaves the reader thinking, wondering. Creating intrigue. The issue is the difference between “leaves them wondering and thinking” vs “leaves them confused.”
For me, the “light” at the end pointed the way. Yes, it shifts scenes…but the light at the end says to me that this is moving from our concrete world to an afterworld.
And yes….I agree with our statement after the piece — there seem to be many depressing pieces….sad pieces….written. I was deliberate last week in writing a positive piece with a happy ending. And to prove your point here, many wrote that it had a surprise/twist ending! I suspect that’s because they automatically assumed it would be sad….
Enjoyed reading this!
Ah.. yes there are very few writing upbeat pieces, and the confusing parts I do know how to attack… sometimes I forget that a story has to stand without the picture or process notes… it’s just 100 words nothing else. Sometimes when I write poetry I add a picture after I have written, and often it becomes a lot better…
I always put photos with my poetry….but my poetry mentor always reminds that the words need to stand alone as well. Your story does just that!
Must say, poetry is what I write every day (and post) — just joined Friday Fictioneers 4 weeks ago and enjoy it very much! 🙂
Very sad indeed … probably the frost and cold that’s readying itself to hit us … but the story is elegant and though melancholy very beautiful … I enjoyed reading this wintry ghost tale very much Bjorn … Bastet
Thank you 🙂 there seemed to be a border to something else.. something otherworldy with that door and the light.
Awesome visual! But yes… it was sad. Are you melancholy? I feel l write sad stories when I have sadness in my life….
I’m not very sad… just a little bit morose.
I don’t see this as depressing. I see it was a romantic ghost story. Time has passed, he’s waited for her, she’s finally come and they are once again together. Well done.
I think it might be depressing for those left behind… but for the one leaving it could be just the opposite.
Yes, but the story is about her.
But now you make it sound like suicide. I do hope not. Then it would be sad.
It’s the need for quick tension that draws us to the dark side with some of these stories Bjorn. This reminded me a little of “The Lady In Black.”
Sounds like a film I should watch…
It was a pretty scary stage play actually. The movie was pretty good too.
I got the impression of an elderly woman whose mind is clouded, looking for Eric, and she is hit by a train? or she could be a ghost.
Ah.. yes.. certainly she is leaving, and she is not very young.
I read it as Christina crossing over into the next realm. To me it was uplifting. My mother looked forward to being reunited with Dad.
I think it’s a matter of POV… for Kristina it was happy… I’m sure there were others finding it less happy.
I see her standing in front of a train as it is coming down the track. She could be hallucinating or really seeing Eric inside the train. No need to make things clear. I love confusion. Why do we have to know for sure what’s happening. We rarely do in real life. I feel it’s up to the reader to interpret what he/she reads. I hope I’m not ranting. 🙂 You’ve written a beautiful scene.
Lily
I like the mood you’ve built in this piece, Bjorn. The repetition of his name – “Eric” – works really well. And I like the ending.
It is very open to interpretation. Maybe she was a suicide bomber and the light is the last flash from the explosion.
I was a bit confused about the fence and glass, but I did understand that she changed to light at the end when her spirit joined her husband. Well done, Bjorn. 🙂 — Suzanne
There’s a haunting quality to this piece, Björn that held me. Her loss, her memories, were palpable. I find myself writing a lot of sad stories too… big, bold hearts, bleed easily. 😉 Nice job!
I like your take a lot, Bjorn. It had an eerie feel to it, especially the end. I’m afraid I did not help with a happy story this week. This didn’t feel like a happy picture to me.