Her gown of white – haibun for trifecta.


With every injection she hoped to meet her mother. Her sweet mother not yet lost to stepfather’s fists. In her drug-induced dreams she was running across orchards outside their trailer park home to meet and embrace soft arms still without the scars and needlemarks she later had to tend, to laugh together and feel mother’s breath lacking sharp bourbon bouquet of later mornings. Before she had to comfort a mother that had fallen into misery, gone into funk, failure and depression. Gone in depression that covered everything with an oily film of neglect. They both once had hopes, dreams of the pure land, where cherry petals lacked the smell of today’s back-alley degradation. A land where tranquillity didn’t mean needle pricked skin or the persistent taste of bile blended with fast-food left-overs. A place where no-one was ready to sell the other’s loyality and love for a quick fix.

Pure land dreams dwindles as her used syrenge falls like gutter cherry bloom.

When they found her slumped against the dumpster the morning after, her lips bluish and frozen in the unseasonable cold weather, they all reflected how young she looked, her face all relaxed and smiling. She was covered in snow, like she once again was dressed in the cotton gown she had running barefoot through cherry orchards. Snowflakes now stuck to her needle-marked feet like once white cherry petals did to her bare feet. Her cerulean eyes glistened and told them that she had joined her mother in that land far away. In harsh voices they sang a brief song, before leaving her to be found by others.

A cardboard tag fixed with paper string to her frozen toe reads Jane Doe.


Once again I felt like I wanted to go a little gritty and sad with an americas sentence. I made it into a haibun by adding my prose-verse of darkness for Trifecta. The haiku are replaced by so-called american sentences.

Linked to Trifecta. The word of the week is funk (I hope I got the meaning right.

February 17, 2014

26 responses to “Her gown of white – haibun for trifecta.

  1. This haibun is so full it is hard to know where to start. Amazing use of style, sound, rhythm, emotional punch, sudden sadness. Wonderful A sentences. When you see a haibun like this, you see why it is worth writing them – and reading. Your A sentences concept really, really add to it.

  2. I’m going to read this again when I get home. You’ve brought beauty as a juxtaposition to the horror of the character’s day to day existence, and as always, you’ve helped us see things in a new light. Wonderfully realized, Björn.

  3. This was an amazingly sad write, but so well done Bjorn. You brought such beauty and elegance to what I envisioned as a horrible situation, yet your use of word play were seamless in these haibun. Just Astounding!

  4. Wonderfully written. Have you ever read “The Little Match Girl” (by Hans Christian Andersen)? If you haven’t, you should, well you don’t have to, lol. But reading this reminded me a lot of that, though yours is far more adult themed. Still, both are heartbreakingly beautiful.

  5. Pingback: My World: My Stories – Utopian Funk (Trifecta Challenge) | Dibbler Dabbler·

  6. Very vivid. You introduced me to the A-sentence. I’ve used it in a few posts but you really nailed it with this piece. A learning experience for me. Thanks!

    DJ

  7. I had no idea what a haibun was, and so have been schooled. I learn so much coming over here! This was stunning in the simplicity of the images, the longing for innocence opposed by the reality.

    Minor concrit–this sentence seemed off to me. It didn’t flow as well as the rest. Maybe change the ‘and’ to an ‘or’?
    “A land where tranquillity didn’t mean needle pricked skin, and the persistent taste of bile blended with fast-food left-overs.”

  8. You’ve written this in such a way that I’m happy for her. She’s off to meet her mother. To leave behind the grief and be reunited. Of course it’s dark, but all too often lives are gritty, and yet you’ve made it beautiful. Impressive.

  9. Fantastic description of every little detail. The contrast between what had been and what her life became was so stark, it made one more beautiful and the other more terrible. Fantastic story, Bjorn!

  10. A powerful piece, Björn! Love your use of snow/white gown/bare feet. And the interspersed haiku are beautiful.

  11. Such a sad story with a sort of intriguing beauty. Your imagery explains, describes and leads from horror to a girl “running barefoot through cherry orchards” …your American sentences are suggestive…(may I mention that you might want to change syrenge’s for syringe?)

  12. I will have to investigate this haibun form you are using, Björn. I really like what you’ve done here, “gritty” though it definitely is. The struggle between the lovely imagery of all things cherry and the dark, filmy detritus-ness surrounding the addiction, abuse, and society’s forgotten people are really compelling. Depressing as it is, this makes for beautiful writing–congratulations!

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