Friday Fictioneers is once again inspiring me to write a sonnet. On the technical side this time I have used Terza Rima rhyme scheme.
Friday Fictioneers gather at the end of the week to write a story or poem to be as close as possible to 100 words. This time I used 96 words. Rochelle leads keep us all together and we try to give each other encouragement as well as constructive criticism. I will not react badly to any suggestions for improvements. Follow the link to Rochelle’s page or click the blue guy down below.
Copyright Dawn M. Miller
Oh how to dance across the marble floors
as she with whitened knuckles grips her broom
recalling prior closing of the doors
and see inside the alabaster rooms
with royal dignity poise she dance her minuet
among the cavaliers she finds a groom
Her tools becoming dukes and baronets
inside her head she hears the orchestra
imagining a well dressed string quartet.
Then sighing she recalls her algebra
for salary she cleans the shining hall
not princess, she’s just plain old Deborah
come watch a cleaning lady’s lonely ball
it’s far from glamorous and quite banal
in grace and dignity the mops enthral
—-
August 29, 2013
Björn Rudbergs writings 
Wonderful imagery. Deborah’s feelings are beautifully presented.
I just didn’t find the rhythm, that prevails throughout the poem, in the last verse. “Quite banal”- I don’t know; may be I am not reading it correctly.
I know that banal exists with different pronunciations … I might have used an unusual version…
I changed the last sentence… I think it works better.
Love that you wrote a sonnet. The cleaning lady’s lonely ball is very clever. My one suggestion (based on my personal pet peeve of repeated words) is to change marble in the first line to alabaster.
Great suggestion.. I see if I can fit it on the iambs..
repeated words in poetry is great, but not the way I did it.
I’ll have to leave the meter for you to work out, not my forte. With me it always sounds forced.
I did work it in … no problem 🙂
Very nice piece, sad but with essential dignity. Why did you leave the cross-out above instead of just removing it? I take it that it’s no part of the final poem.
I thought it’s interesting to see alternatives.. Constructive criticism .. And still trace back to the original
A would-be Cinderella… this sounds a nice way to pass the time while cleaning… at least she can dream.
Beautiful piece in terza rima–I do not mind the near rhyme where you’ve used it– in fact, I like it when it pops up! I do believe this is one of you finer pieces.
Hi Bjorn,
I’m impressed with your knowledge of poetic form. I didn’t know about the terza rima, but then I rarely venture outside prose. Also wonder about the strikethrough line. What is the significance there? Ron
The strikethrough was my first version. HA had some suggestions for improvements
such a magical description of a cleaning woman mopping the floors 🙂
Ah so this is a Terza Rima…another friend tried to introduce this form…But I was a tad confused.
I do like this very much. Every job has it’s worth, 🙂
The dreams of plain old Deborah, love it 🙂
i sure love reading your sonnets – this one perfect with the cleaning lady. we were on the same thread 🙂
refreshing take and made an interesting read
Dear Bjorn,
You surpass the throng with Her Lonely Minuet. So good on a number of levels. I am dancing with her now and rather than try to comment on everything I’ll just tell you that this made me feel.
Aloha,
Doug.
She has a great survival technique there. I think you chose the better last line.
Wonderful conception and execution, Bjorn. Just one question: (as I may read the words with a different cadence than you) are there too many beats in the second line of the second stanza?
Oops… I never counted… maybe I got an extra foot…
Yup… a little hexameter line entered.. changed it to:
with royal poise she dance her minuet
I always wonder about the people who work to clean public places. They are almost a part of the background, fading away. You bring that to light with this sonnet. Nicely done. And banal worked for me. Both last lines were good.
Thank you.. personally both are OK, but neither are great. I might change to a third at one point… But poetry needs to be rewritten many times.
Bjorn,
It is great to be with FF and to see that you are still here makes it even better. You are a master poet. I have missed your work.
Tom
Thank you Tom, I’m still learning poetry… And part of it is reading more poetry 😉
Beautifully done – I envy your patience in producing work like this.
Simply wonderful, Bjorn. It seems like a Disney princess beginning, although I hesitate to say that since the mood here is so much more poignant.
You always make me swoon.
Dear Bjorn,
There’s a sweetness about this poem that I enjoyed. Knowing little about poetry form I’ll leave those comments the the ones who do. In any case I could see Deborah dancing across the marble floor. Very nice.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Dear Bjorn,
I really enjoyed this beautiful sonnet. I could just see her dancing with her mop, imagination running wild.
I struggled to find the rhythm but I loved the imagery, and much prefer your revised last line.
This is beautiful. Deborah’s tools as dukes and baronets brought to mind the mops in the the Disney’s Sorcerer’s Apprentice, not sure why, but I can see her dancing round that marble hall quite gracefully.
I loved this..beautifully written… I could actually see her dancing with her mop, imagining her ‘prince’
Exquisite imagery 🙂 I have missed reading your work, nice job.