The bar counter by Maurice de Vlaminck
Matt entered the seedy bar expecting nothing else than sour brew and the smell of cheap tobacco still lingering in the stained upholstery. To his surprise the only other guest was a woman, and not the usual crowd of men ready to pick a fight.
This woman had class. At first glance she looked sweet and innocent, but there was a lurking tension around her mouth that spoke of danger. As he would always fly into the face of danger and he found in her tantalizing curves a lure he couldn’t resist he said:
“Where are the others”
“They left”
“Why?”
“I told them to, but you are staying with me Matt”
“You know my name?”
“Apparently”
Matt had nothing more to say, and he felt that he should leave, but took a glass of rye offered. Its taste was laced with ash from his fear growing inside. It was not rational, but her confidence was so overbearingly strong so he knew he was in more danger than he had ever been before.
He sensed that he wouldn’t be poisoned with the drink. It would be too easy. But somewhere deep inside his memory he had the clues to what would happen to him next. He had upset a lot of powerful people with extortion and blackmail.
“What do you want from me”
“That you already know”
“I have no clue”
“I give you one: 1982”
Matt knew; he recalled the frat party. He remembered the girl they had “played” with, and from a concealed part of his brain he had a name”
“Emily”
“My mother, she died last week”
“Oooh, are you.. ?”
“She never recovered, and died institutionalized, your friend already accepted the deal”
“What deal?”
“Suicide — yours, I will just help you a little”
Matt wrote a note, accepted the vial she gave him, and in silence she watched him drinking. When she left, both she and Matt had finally found some peace.
———-
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Trifecta this week is to use the word fly in its third meaning.
3 a : to move, pass, or spread quickly
b : to be moved with sudden extreme emotion
c : to seem to pass quickly
– See more at: http://www.trifectawritingchallenge.com/#sthash.eJ67C1EH.dpuf
And once again thanks for the votes during the weekend.
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July 8 – 2013
Björn Rudbergs writings 
You’re very good. Very.
Thank you Misky 🙂
Whoa! Very creepy. I liked the clipped dialogue, it worked well with this piece. More would have been overdone.
One of the things I do is to vary my style of writing. This hard-boiled style I had not tried before-
Excellent story! It could easily be developed into a longer pice or made into a film.
Thank you Gabriella – I like that in a piece I read myself.
Didn’t pull me until the dialogue. Even before the mention of the Frat party there was a foreshadowing for me. Still I like how cooly dark she is.
A different style for me. She is clearly an angel of darkness.
And dark, works babe. 🙂
Hard-boiled and satisfying, Bjorn.
Thank you 🙂
Quite a twist , i wonder how she convinced him .
Nicely done .
I think Matt was so destroyed so he was happy to end it all. Just a little push.
Clearly had a guilty conscience, although the woman might have been dangerous enough…which I find intriguing.
I think there were no options left. But that I leave the the reader 🙂
this was fantastic…and sad and harrowing. It just grabbed me and kept me tethered until the last word.
Sometimes, Sometimes…people do get what they deserve, eventually.
(drink raised..) for EMILY…
WOW, Bjorn.
I think she also saved him from going under… so at the end it was the only solution…
well the piece worked, it was very good.
🙂
A great example of “you reap what you sow.” I loved how clinical this was, and though I found neither character sympathetic I enjoyed watching the game afoot.
Thank you.. I would say they were kind of coldhearted both of them
Whoa … and this is truly the physicist writing from the “dark” side. Excellent!
Yip.. very dark.
Crime and a fitting punishment. Terrific ending. Nice work, Bjorn. Great tone, great dialog. You are very good conjuring the dark side
Thank you Steph —
She’s tough as nails. I thought she was acting out of vengeance, so I found it ironic that she would give him the gift of peace so easily. I figured she’d torture him a little first 🙂
Now she gave him a choice he couldn’t refuse
Wicked good!
Thank you
You never know what you’ll find behind the door to a dive bar. What a smooth one she is!
Indeed. smooth and cold as a rock.
First of all, that art is captivating. You know I love the story! Revenge tastes so good.
🙂 better than a glass of rye laced with ash 🙂
Wow, great story! She was very cool and collected under the circumstances. I love the curt style you’ve used here – it works beautifully.
Thank you… hard-boiled is new to me.
You wouldn’t know it from reading this. You’re a natural!
You do the hardboiled very well Bjorn.
Many thanks 🙂
Good stuff dude! Check and mate my brother, check and mate.
Thank you 🙂
I’m quite new to the Trifecta Writing Challenge, but one thing I already know I can take to the bank is that there will always be something new and tasty on your blog. I love the fact that you experiment with style and genre, and that you take risks with your writing. This piece is a case in point–going from iambic pentameter last week to hardboiled/noir this week = total win in my book. Great job!
As an amateur writer I think it’s one of the most important thing you can do. Vary your style. As a poet I think these exercises in prose also improve my poetry (and I’m quite new to this myself)
“Its taste was laced with ash from his fear growing inside.” I love this description of fear. Amazed that so much story is packed in so few words. Compact, but complete.
I love to mix senses in some descriptions, It’s a strong tool to paint with words … (hey there I did it :-))
You got me into the mind of the main character…I almost felt sorry for him…almost.
I think it was a relief for him at the end.
I think that I am most impressed with her being empathic enough to let him write a note first. This is a very interesting character study of a very unusual murderer.
Yes.. That’s why I call her an avenging angel – dark but still compassionate.
Sparse, yet potent.
Thank you 🙂
A great story Björn. I thought the way you used the short, sharp sentences of dialogue worked really well. It helped move the story along as well as build up the tension. A great read.
Thank you Mike 🙂
Gripping story and great writing. Well done.
Thank you 🙂
Well, well done.