Deasil spin and axis tilt (a sonnet)

I see a reborn nature every year
and every time I wonder and amaze
Of light’s return and quench the hidden fear
That darkness stays and hide the sunshine rays
—
But every year the joy is here again
The deasil turn of earth and axis tilt
Will give us sunshine back and greens in glen
The nature opens, is for us rebuit
—

In springtime last to wake, are oak-trees dark
Combining ancient and the youthful best
A foliage young but trunks with ancient bark
The final signal for the end of rest
—-
And thus we welcome summer coming now
To deasil spin and axis tilt we bow

4 responses to “Deasil spin and axis tilt (a sonnet)”

Nice Björn! Can I make some suggestions?

In the first quatraine:

Since “nature” includes even the winter sleep, it might be better to use the personification of Nature
I see her, Nature, reborn every year

“amaze” is an adjective not a noun, so this doesn’t make sense, but as the word is important to the rhyme I suggest

changing the preceeding word so “amaze” becomes a poetic abbreviation for “amazement”
and every time I wonder in amaze

Then you have to change the next preposition too and the linking word in the middle of the next line
At light’s return to quench the hidden fear

And there’s a mistake of grammar in the next line too
That darkness stays and hides the sun’s bright rays

In the second quatraine:

I’d swap “is here” for “returns” – it means the same and it’s a little reminder you’re talking about the earth

turning
But every year the joy returns again

The next line I leave along, but I’m unhappy about “built” in the last line. (The natural world doesn’t feel to me

like something that is constructed, rather it grows organically.) I want to use “gilt” in the last line for the

rhyme, so I want to pair it with “green”, but that would give two greens, so I chose to swap the “green” in line 3

for leaves

That gives us sunshine back and leaves in glen
Returning spring, the season’s green and gilt

I don’t want to mess with the last quatrain or the final couplet so my re-write looks like this:

I see her, Nature, reborn every year
And every time I wonder in amaze
At light’s return to quench the hidden fear
That darkness stays and hides the sun’s bright rays
~~~~
But every year the joy returns again
The deasil turn of earth and axis tilt
That gives us sunshine back and leaves in glen
Returning spring, the season’s green and gilt
~~~~
In springtime last to wake, are oak-trees dark
Combining ancient and the youthful best
A foliage young but trunks with ancient bark
The final signal for the end of rest
~~~~~
And thus we welcome summer coming now
To deasil spin and axis tilt we bow

🙂

brudberg May 21, 2012 at 17:05 · · Reply →

Thanks a lot, certainly improved the poem, I enjoy trying to learn, and now I am very satisfied. I can update the text, but you would be co-author then.

Björn

Perhaps it’s just me, sir, but I believe I do prefer your original version. I would rather not sacrifice imagery for feigned smoothness. There is a bit of good advice up above, perhaps, but it’s too much, I think. I would have to understand my “student’s” unique background to get in that deep. The more I read of your work, the less I want to “mess” with it, because I like its unique sound–even it’s “Swinglish” elements, as you call them. In fact, Especially those, do I enjoy.

brudberg October 17, 2012 at 09:05 · · Reply →

It’s OK, I know John, he is an Englishman living in Sweden. That’s why I never corrected it. My most common error is the singular verb forms, where I seem to consistently forget it.